Riker's Mailbox

Sunday, October 31, 2004

Chupacabras Lives In The Wrong Neighborhood

So I'm posting about Halloween on what my computer tells me is November 1st. Fine. To my credit, I haven't slept yet, so this I'm still in the same period of consciousness as I was during the entire day of All Hallows Ween... so back off punk.

As I put on a costume corporeally in celebration of this holiday, I figure when I post my blog, it should be in proverbial costume as well.

So here goes, my blog, dressed up as a blog entry from Madness and Musings, a finely crafted and extensively entertaining blog penned by dear friend Ray Ward.

I think we all need a time or two every once in a while to consider our nation's status in the realm of internal health. Right now, there are clearly too many problems with our own infrastructure. And they're all associated with our flagrant disregard for natural balance. Obviously, I'm referring to the unnaturally large population of livestock in the USA.

Being the fattest nation in either of the world's known hemispheres, as calculated by the simple process of excavating a vast chasm beneath the surface of the country, erecting a gigantic scale within that chasm and using it to weigh the total mass of the country, then subtracting the combined mass of soil, building materials, personal property, large trees, domesticated and wild animals (with the exception of dogs; there are some fat fucking dogs out there and they don't deserve to be eschewed from scrutiny), all lakes and rivers, Joan Rivers (who is unclassifiable), vehicles, and birds who are not currently in the air, as estimated by an eleven year old in Wisconsin named Brian, thus yielding the total weight of humanity within our nation, which is then divided by the number of humans residing here, adjusted for the number of humans who are either in flight or currently jumping up and down, as estimated by a mixed-ethnicity centenarian in New Mexico named Angie-May, the result of which is multiplied by a correction factor that comes from a computerized number generator in the village of The Pentagon, OH, which is seeded by the number of seconds that have elapsed since President Lincoln was shot, resulting in a single quotient that is irrefutably accurate and is catchily referred to as the Personal Obesity Ranking Number, or PORN, which is then compared to the PORN from other countries as obtained by the same method (conducted in secret black-ops style missions by the Canadian Mounted Police), we have advanced our need to sustain such human fatness to an irreversible extent that requires an absolutely overwhelming number of fast-food restaurants to exist in close geographical proximity to each residential area.

Of course, this means that these restaurants require animal stocking on an order high enough to match the collective American appetite for skinned and heated cow muscle. And of course, an equal number of pickles, but I digress. The fact is, the amount of grazing space required to sustain so many animals is enormous, far larger than any gymnasium in fact, and vile individuals who operate under the obvious Mafia cover-title 'ranchers', are taking this land away from business industrialists to build up expansive 'ranches' to sustain these animals just long enough to grow them to proper killing size. These business industrialists, due to a lack of space for development here in the USA, are then forced to outsource their work to foreign children who have IQs of 120 but don't have the strength to walk on their own because their country's PORN is so inferior and they have no muscle mass. And that is why our infrastructure is going to shit.

And it doesn't stop there. "Chicken", a delicious synthetic food, which received its name because the cartoon picture that they decided to put on the product packaging looks uncannily like the actual farm animal that is famous for: (1) producing clouds of airborne feathers during periods of extreme distress, and (2) for being called "chicken", is being eaten at record-breaking rates; in 1998 these rates actually exceeded the maximum rate at which all the chicken machines in America could produce viable chicken food product, and the chicken-food industry began making chicken out of ACTUAL chickens to help meet supply. Now truckloads of incarcerated chickens can be seen leaving contrails of white feathers down every major highway in the country as they're transported from chicken 'ranches' to 'chicken kill-o-houses' for comestible preparatory purposes. Chicken kill-o-houses are HUGE. One Chicken kill-o-house could easily take up all the real estate in Louisiana, or at least as much real estate as can be found in one of those queer New England "states".

If this trend continues, the internet will collapse due to an unability to find enough space to keep building computers, which will be needed within the next six months, as estimated by the current rate of growth of Google. Furthermore, textile manufacturers will engage in bloody turf war with the IRS over valuable warehouse space. And people blame the president for the poor economy.

Kinda makes you wish you didn't eat so much, doesn't it, fatso? I can safely call you that because the internet is already beginning to collapse, and in fact, it does not exist anywhere in the world besides America, and since you're reading this, (1) you're obviously American and (2) you're disgustingly fat. If you didn't eat so much, the world would stop being so shocked by American PORN.

Is there a possible resolution to this woeful future? Not hardly. But I can tell you, things would have been much better if we imported a number of Mexico's most remarkable natural resources: the Chupacabras.

The chupacabras, seen here, is a fierce creature that looks like a batfaced wolf and walks upright on two legs, much like Mimi from the hit series "The Drew Carey Show". Its name, when translated from Spanish to whatever language this is, literally means "Goat Sucker". While one might initially believe this to refer to sexual behavior, let me clear this up immediately: Chupacabri have no genitalia. This was an evolutionary specialization; they reproduce asexually without genitalia, therefore them leaving no distraction from their solitary intrinsic life purpose: sneaking around and eating livestock.

What's unfortunate is that Mexico is a very lean country, in terms of their PORN, and they have hardly any livestock to speak of as a result. What few ranches exit in Mexico are constantly plagued by raiding chupacabri, stifling what piddly meat economy they have... far below levels that would be internationally respected. In the USA, however, these animals would be neither a bane nor a burden, but a shadowy health vigilante figure. Left to their own instincts, even a single clan of chupacabri could decimate five percent of the USA's obnoxiously large livestock supply within five years. Double the number of chupacabri and that timeframe is actually reduced by sixty percent, as estimated by the autistic daughter of the Mayor of Biloxi, MS. The resulting reduction in beef consumption should allow the United States to return to much healthier PORN levels.

I'll come right out and say it. The numbers add up. I will make a statement, loud and clear, a statement that is validated by the pain I feel when I look into the windows of American homes and find gargantuan children beating their huge parents for not providing second-dessert after pre-dinner.

America needs its own Goatsucker.

Not literally, of course, but imagine, if you will, a figurative goatsucker. Now, honestly, if there was a goatsucker for every household there'd no longer be a need for PORN, but that's far too idealistic and utopian. The PORN will remain a part of our lives until our entire species is purged of that hideous compulsion to thrust ourselves upon our meat and suck down the byproducts with grotesque zeal. So I submit, we cannot solve this problem in its entirety, but we can reduce its damaging effects upon our economy. We don't need a goatsucker per household; we just need one goatsucker for the country. Then again, maybe we already have one.

And I submit, he may be Richard Simmons. I know, he's laying low right now... but I have a feeling that he's planning an uprising against the livestock in this nation, and he's going to engage in a bloody rampage to rid the country of red meat. Of course, he'd keep the chicken, because it's so damned delicious, but at least the red meat will be gone and maybe some day we Americans will find that our PORN is something we can be proud of.

It hasn't happened yet... but just wait. It's coming.

Thursday, October 14, 2004


"For the record, I'm faring rather well, and have a lot of overdue positives coming to fruition that balance out the misfortunes and difficulties past." - Me

Wow, so much has transpired since my last blog entry. I've been insanely busy with great big things (not 'great big' meaning 'really big'... more 'great big' meaning 'wonderful and substantial'), and as such I haven't had time to post.

This entry is something of a digital Post-It® note of candidates for potential blog entries that are due to be written, but with less of that gummy glue stuff on the underside:

  • Beautification of the Troup-Howell Bridge, and of Old Navy.
  • Week one of my New Ass-Kicking Job, and my Other New Ass-Kicking Job.
  • Songs I'm writing.
  • The girlfriend I still don't have.
  • Racing in automobiles.
  • Being back in Rochester and improving my home.

I'll take suggestions, as per the interactivity du jour of several of my fellow bloggers, as to which of the above listed topics should be elaborated upon.

Ahh, I've missed this. Blogging, that is. Before I lay down to sleep this morning (after 17 hours of employment I'm nuts I really mean it), I'm going to leave with two thoughts that have been in and out of my mind recently. They are as follows:

  1. The 'Family Values' ticket, which you can find on your garden variety voters' ballot, really means 'Undercover Christian'.
  2. Too many pregnant women abuse the 'eating for two' allowance. Babies generally weigh no more than 12 pounds, on the high side, at birth. Women should typically gain about that much weight in addition to the weight of the baby, which, for the mathematically retarded, is generously totaled to 30 or fewer pounds of extra pudge. What's with the gaining of 50 or 100 pounds during a pregnancy, and only losing 12 pounds when the kid pops out? Ladies, I have to argue. First off, 'eating for two' doesn't mean you eat twice what you used to eat. That second person is WAY smaller than you are. Second, 'eating for two' only applies DURING the pregnancy, not for the next two years. Maybe women need more practice at giving birth. I mean, just about all of the ladies who've had more than six children don't seem to have any trouble with it... if they did what some of these crazy pregnant chicks do, they'd weigh 150 pounds on the fucking moon.*

*Okay, sorry I got a little harsh on that last one. It's because I'm wicked tired and the drugs wore off already.

Friday, October 08, 2004


I was unable to view the Vice-Presidential debate because of a scheduling conflict with an important family matter. While I intend to finish reading the transcript from that debate and comment afterward, it will have to wait, as I was fortunate enough to catch the second Presidential debate live. So while the opinions are fresh, I'll harvest the crop of them first and return to the VPs later. Comments tonight will be far diferent than those in my review of the first debate, primarily due to their condensed content. I'll get right to the point* this time.

Presidential Debate (again)
Bush-Kerry Round 2 was a dead heat. I will thusly award one half-point to each candidate, bringing the points total (as awarded, once again, by myself and myself only) to:

Kerry: 1.5 Points
Bush: 0.5 Points

I'll speak on Kerry first. The man had some zingers, again, but he conversely performed the verbal equivalent of holding his own hands behind his back to alow George to punch repeatedly at his unprotected midsection. Specifically, when Kerry allows Bush to use "The Wrong War At The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time
" as a present-tense, ongoing sentiment. Bush said, "I don't think the leaders of the world will follow a man who says his war is the wrong war at the wrong place at the wrong time," and Kerry just let him go with it. Kerry said what he said, once and only once, in response to a specific statement, and when read in context it showed nothing more than Kerry's disagreement with the way Bush chose to progress in the war. Bush, with no resistance whatsoever, has been allowed over and over again to use the claim as if it's Kerry's current and forever stance on the War On Terror®, implying that Kerry as president would ask nations to come join in a war by advertising it as the wrong war. Would anyone
Kerry was almost too offensive at times

Bush charismatic and witty, engrossed the audience, handled himself much more confidently than last debate, referred to the canned phrases less than last debate as well. Trying to convince people that it's simple yes/no in every case. Can't say 'raised taxes 200 times' and use that as foundation to say Kerry will therefore raise taxes for people he promised cuts to. We don't know what taxes Kerry voted to raise. What if they were all for the rich?

*This is largely because I can't make much of a point this time around. While I felt like an enlightened intellectual with useful information with regard to Round 1, this time I'm much more of a squirming amateur with


James Arthur Riker
March 31 1950 - October 3 2004

James Riker, like all memorable men, was many things to many people. He served the role of husband, brother, uncle, and friend, and in each capacity he served with love and devotion. But as I stand here, it occurs to me that of all the people in the world, he was the only one who could serve the role he served to me, and of all the people in the world, I am the only one who knows how it felt to have him serve that role: the role of fatherhood. As such, it is in this regard that I choose to celebrate him with you now.

My father's defining characteristic, as anyone could confirm, was that he was a creator, a builder. In every aspect of his life in which he had a passion, he used that passion to bring forth good things. It was intrinsic to him. He made it his career and he made it his hobbies; in each thing he created, he poured a little part of himself into it.

My father was also wise. He naturally assumed the role of 'elder' and of 'mentor'. You hear the ubiquitous claim from many young children, "My daddy knows everything!", and so it was with me at that stage of my life. But the remarkable thing was, as I grew older and wiser, as I opened larger eyes to a larger universe so vast in scope and so full of uncertainty, he still had all the answers. Even into my young adult life, I could come to him with any unanswerable question, and as always, my dad knew everything. That was a rare and remarkable gift.

He led by example, and as such, the one most important lesson he bestowed upon me is one that I will not fully comprehend the importance of until I have my own children: he taught me about fatherhood itself. He taught me exactly what kind of father to be and perhaps even more importantly, exactly what kind of father not to be.

Like all the things he created as a builder, my father put a part of himself into me, and I dare say he put more into me than into anything else he was responsible for. There is quite a lot of my father within me. I believe this puts me in a unique position to carry his legacy forward, and to take on the massive burden of that responsibility, because he was such a big person. If I can make myself as successful in life as possible, and do great things in my life, and become that mentor and that elder, and to lead by example as he did, then I will have fulfilled my duty to that legacy.

My goal is to become the greatest thing my father ever created.

Before I finish, I want to remind everyone here that while we all possess our own private and internal suffering, a suffering that is unique to each person and will remain until its purpose is served, we all as well shared in a greater outward suffering for the sake of my father's own suffering. But I will say this: whatever true suffering he endured, that suffering of his is past and gone, and so too should be the outward suffering that we extended to him. I submit that in its place we should present something positive. If my father left his mark upon you, if he impressed something of himself onto you that you feel, then I charge you: please nurture it, cultivate it, acknowledge it, and do not deny it; do not feel guilty that you have something of him that makes you feel happy, despite the loss of the man himself.

If all of you who care for him and have his mark upon you can join with me, and celebrate that part of him he left with you, then he will be with us forever.

-taken from the eulogy I gave at my father's funeral service on October 5, 2004