INTRINSIC

Life listens poorly to the pleas of the downtrodden. In an absolute renunciation of this potential state of being, I resume living my already busy life at an accelerated pace. Scrambling toward my goals, some concrete and some abstract, I am drawing near the ideal self-condition: Struggling and thus working hard; passionate and thus deeply focused; comfortable and thus buoyant; determined and thus destined to succeed.

The first enemy to face is financial hardship. From a bird's eye view, one would find me gallivanting across the state to play a gig late into the night for a handful of cash, only to return tomorrow to play another gig for a little more money. Half of what I earn is likely to be translated into hydrocarbons and then into greenhouse gases, courtesy of my trusty Nissan that gets me where I need to be to perform said services in exchange for monetary compensation. (Hmm, I never really thought about it that way before... I get to contribute to global warming and increase local visual pollution, and I get to pay for it?)

This is the only way to keep on top of my affairs. It's something within me plugging away when I should be scared shitless. I am scared, but only scared to diminished quantities of shit, not completely devoid of it.

DEFENSIBLE

No excuses will be offered for my absence from the helm of 'Blogger-Dashboard'. There are expansive challenges laid out before me, in rank and quantity too great to convey here. I am strong because this is not by far the first time I have faced challenges of this magnitude. It is not the first time I have been strong for those who lacked the capacity; it is not the first time I have been attacked by those close to me; it is not the first time I have prepared to say and have ultimately said, "goodbye", to someone I love.

I am endurance.

I am angry.

I can withstand it.

I am not...

Alone.

ELOQUENT

"Honestly, you have to start with "something", if you're to end with something so perfect."

PERPLEXITY

Wow,
I feel almost like I've betrayed someone, somewhere, somehow. It's been
the better part of a week since I've posted here, certainly the longest absence
since the blog's inception. I'm actually a bit confused about how this
happened, as I'm having trouble remembering all that I've done since my last
post. I've certainly left the town more than once, left the state at
least once, made at least $100, and spent at least as much.

The most monumental occurrence of the past week has to be the Party That Was
Never Supposed To Be So Party-ish. By seven o'clock Wednesday night, we were starting to get
invitations from friends to a party at our own house later that evening.
What we'd expected to be a small gathering turned into a mid-week 'rager'
complete with not one, but at least four DJs spinning records in the basement,
beer pong and graffiti, and social interaction so dynamic and diverse we
couldn't see straight. Half the patrons were complete strangers to most
of us, yet everyone was unmistakably cool and easy to relate to. All in all,
a lot of people were relying on us to give them a great time, and everyone
seemed to have their expectations met. Which, as it happens, exceeds
mine.



I think I have a date with the one I want sometime soon; at the party we
decided we definitely needed to go out, now it's just a matter of picking the
day. We'll have wonderful fun, and I can't wait.



Man, I really don't like the new blog editor.

FORTITUDE

The closest I've ever come to running a marathon, blindfolded, through a razorblade-and-lemon-wedge field, was spending this past weekend as myself. What began as a long night of drinking whilst playing acoustic music to an empty bar for a shitload of money ended as a long night of drinking after playing acoustic music to an empty bar for a shitload of money. After waking at morning's asscrack the next day and driving for three hours, where an afternoon of tiling my bathroom eagerly awaited, accompanied by a refrigerator that needed to be taken down a flight of stairs, I performed said tasks with absolutely no beer to get me through it. Immediately upon completing all home improvements, I was whisked away to one of the most injurious games of field hockey we've ever played, though we were playing it with a frisbee, under a different name: Ultimate Frisbee. And we didn't have any field hockey sticks, which only made it harder. And there was, yet again, no beer to get me through it. The game lasted almost three hours and ended with four teams in a tournament rotation, as twelve people jumped in and joined the ten of us that were already there. I have never been more beaten, broken, exhausted, and otherwise diminished; never have I felt so alive and well.

Well, I'm off to Ray's for partying the night away.

CONCATENATION

What follows is an exercise in processing thought on-the-fly. I've been discussing with my pal Andrey about how the blogging itself had become a testament to tedium, not often worth more than a tape recorder into which one narrates his daily tasks. There was no creativity to be seen in the reflection of the day's activities. Rather than report on my whereabouts throughout the day, I'd prefer to devote more of this space to creativity, or at least insightful commentary. As it happens, I often feel like my most inspired dialogue is with 'Drey. It frustrated me, because he was getting to hear everything I wished I was capable of making public.

About that time, the idea hit me. I'm going to post my conversation with Andrey, with his comments removed. All you'll see is that I'm saying. You'll have to guess as to what he's said to me, based upon how I react. Surprisingly, there was an uncanny flow and poetic aspect to the passage, despite the stringing together of only my half of the conversation. Here is a snapshot of my mind at work, amidst the dynamic changes that occur during Andrey's systematic prodding of my psyche: (names have been removed to protect the identities of the innocently involved)

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hey man
coo coo
will do
always do ;-)
fine fine
worked from 11am to 8:20pm
then went home, changed,
met her and her friends at a carnival in Rush
haha!
awesome
we were there 'till midnight or so
not too many
no opportunities for juice
I found out that her ravenous appetite for fried food rivals even mine
and she's so cute about it
we definitely have chemistry, still
we had a great time together at work today
after the carnival ended, we went our separate ways, since she was going straight to bed
I went over to a friend's and met up with sleeping people and a bunch of us watched 'secret window'
decent flick
not seen it?
hmm
it's a decent flick
very stephen king-ish
umm, what the fuck?
firefox new version just installed
and now it refuses to run
oh wait, there it goes
the computer's just slpw
slow
and my fingers are sticky
'course, it's been running for 30 days or so
well, I'm glad I do it
it's tedius sometimes
because I only seem to do it around this time of night
after I'm exhausted
and thinking to myself about the extensive plans for the following day
such as,
tomorrow I drive to Pennsylvania
so tonight I don't feel like writing tons about what I did today
that's the thing...
it' mainly been more of an activities log lately,
with a touch of feelings on the side
what I wish it were, were something more dynamic
like, "hey, I thought of a song lyric, here it is"
or "this insightful thing came to me in a fit of randomness"
yes, I have
but that was once out of the 20-something entries I've done
true, it is
I just wish it were fewer facts, more flavor...
to adapt a line from 'big fish'
no, I mean... well, more colorful content
more poetic in one sense,
more intangible in another
rather than relaying the course of my day, I'd rather use this as a place to store creative energy
so, fiction
in greater supply
and perhaps a reference to whatever real-life-of-kevin inspirations to which that fiction is rooted
often times, I feel like pasting our conversations into it
because what I say to you is what I wish it looked like more often
in fact,
there's an idea
little experiment...
brb

---

hmm. And now, Andrey's text:
hey
blogger is fixed it seems
also, check my latest entry
;-)
oh,
I saw 9/11 today, i'm still working on the entry for that one;-)
how was your day/night?
I passed by there!
so give me all the juicy details;-)
but I'm sure you had a million thought processes running
excellent
that's the new Johnny Depp film?
not yet
I've been gunshy about new movies lately for some reason.
not attacking them with the verve I used to.
been waiting for the "all clear" so to speak
I see
lol
I love the Mozilla group
ah
so tell me..
what do you think of blogging - call it a month in review
why?
[I agree]
but you've had that before...
I think it's dynamic because it represents how you feel the moment you publish
by flavor...
you mean randomness?
I too wish for more of that...
but maybe,
maybe that's part of the challenge we're laid out for ourselves. to reach down [or back] and recall the millions of inspirational moments that strike us throughout the day
k
all right
i'm glad we're on the same page with this blog thing
what you said about wanting it to be "more than just facts". I've felt the same way. I want it to be a reflection of Myself and my experiences, not just a regurgitation of the nightly news
I feel like I can't let myself go, like I can't tap into the creativity that I know is within me.
in fact [as you also said], this and many of our conversations are exactly what I want in my blog.

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Go ahead, try to piece it together :)

REVERSION

So after drinking absurd amounts of alcoholic beverages, my friends and I found ourselves playing a game of hide -and-seek, tag style, a la elementary school rules. We entertained ourselves for the better part of an hour doing this, before picking up the Frisbee for a game of in-the-street-at-three-in-the-morning-neighborhood-Frisbee-toss. Nostalgia has never been so satisfying while being so... uncouth.

JAUNTINESS

Played Ultimate Frisbee again today, though not up to par, as per my self-imposed standards. Most of it had to do with the lack of traction due to the compound problem of not playing on an artificial turf field and of the rainsoaked ground. All in all, there was a great series of games played, and I walked away with a hell of a battle wound. I'm so proud of it, in fact, that I've immortalized it in the digital medium for you to gape at:

---

---

That is actually a bruise, not a scrape... there is no broken skin on my body. Apparently when the impact is with a nearly frictionless surface, the bruise pattern mimics what the scrape would have looked like. That aside, it doesn't hurt and looks badass. This has been one hell of an evening.

DISCONSOLATE

So, I'm a little perturbed at blogger; the site seems to have glitched a little lately, keeping me off my posting pace. But enough of that. Today was a good, long day, full of gratifying exertion. Friends and I performed all the site preparation requisite to refurbishing the Moran's party house, between 8 am and noon or so, then spent the next seven hours drinking bourbon and smoking cigars while waxing intellectual about business and finance. All in all, a very educational experience. Next phase is up on Thursday, when we reframe a wall to prep for the reroofing project that comprised the original scope of the job. Leave it to efficiency-minded individuals to find more and more work to do...

SOMNOLENT

Today was eventful and entertaining. I will, however, not relinquish the details at this time. Honestly, it's because I'm too tired to write. The ideas are there, and will be shared privately, but as is evident from trend as of late, I haven't much to say publicly tonight. To summarize, I made some good money, saw many friends, got exercise, ate great food, had a good beer or two, watched a movie, and treated a head wound (someone else's, not mine). It was a great day.

CONCILIATION

Once again, I am admittedly inebriated and incapacitated. All I wish for is rest and repair. But I have affection to carry me through the potential intricacies of my currently occluded state of mind. Damn moonshine, being so potent and seductive.

VEHEMENCE

I'm falling for a beautiful person. She's all the kinds of wonderful I look for, plus significantly more. I just need her to fall for me, now.