Riker's Mailbox

Thursday, November 11, 2004


Your Whore-O-Scope

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
You, like most Aries, would definitely do well to turn to whoring this month, as Jupiter's position tells you that street corners will see increased traffic. Avoid sleeping with Libras, as it is unlikely they will pay you for anything you do. You are most likely a redhead and talk far more than anyone wants you to; playing submissive roles will earn points from clients and promote repeat business.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You are outgoing and always on the lookout for a good time. While this by itself would make you a good candidate for whoring, you are probably filthy rich, so you would have no need to put out for money... You will still have frequent sex anyways, which makes you a slut. For guidance in this arena, please refer to the Slut-O-Scope. Your boyfriend will get suspicious that you are cheating on him, so refrain from having sex with any of his close friends.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
You were born for whoring. Now is the time to find a reputable pimp and discuss employment arrangements. A Pisces would be an ideal pimp for you. You probably have an older sister; consult her for additional advice, as she's been in this position before. Your athletic body type would be more attractive if you'd stop tanning so much... right now you look like a pumpkin, and no one wants to fuck a pumpkin in the dead of winter.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
This is your first time addressing your desire to become a whore. Although you are nervous, your natural talent will shine through, especially if you get a boob job. Don't let parents' judgment steer you away from taking this major step forward. You are most likely a brunette, which is powerful for you, as your biorhythm compliments this approaching solstice. Trust your gut when a longtime friend wants to buy your services; he will fall in love with you despite the sex being terrible.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
You are probably a whore already, but you don't want to stay in the rut forever. You are a lipstick lesbian with a fetish for lace. Score big points with the boss by sleeping with him and his wife; you will ensure a pay raise for yourself, plus you will have a good bit of blackmail in case he tries to screw you, figuratively, in the future. Protecting your own self now will ensure you stability down the road.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
There's not a chance in hell you'd make you'd make money in this business. Don't even think of trying it out. You're ugly, morbidly obese, and you have a terrible personality to boot. Though whoring is not an option, you should still try to find sex. If you find someone who will sleep with you, marry him immediately, as you've found the last man on earth who would do so. There's no money in it immediately, but it's one step closer to welfare. If he's also a Virgo, take note that he's married already, but you'll likely never meet his other wife or children.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
You will do anything for attention, which would make you a volatile whore at best. Sometimes you'd be outstanding, and other times you'll hardly make enough money for smokes. Your hair is probably blonde, but you spent at least eight dollars to get it that way. Mars and the Moon are teaming up against you this month, which will make your temper flare up more than usual. This will put you at risk of getting injured on the job. Only sleep with men you're sure you can overpower.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
There is a long history of whoring in your family, and you owe it to those who've laid the path out before you to become the best whore you can be. You are a Grade-A bitch, but you can get past that with moderate drug use. Stay away from the heavy hitters, though, as Pluto and Uranus will negatively influence the market for coke and heroin. You are going to have to make a decision that will strain your ability to do your whoring this month, but your family will eventually support you no matter what you choose to do.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
You've been turning tricks for quite some time now. Younger inexperienced whores often come to you for advice and support. Be careful not to let it stroke your ego, however, or you'll make enemies. You assuredly have a venereal disease or two, so buy condoms as often as you buy beer instead of as often as you buy champagne. You don't have long to live, so take a poor runaway under your wing and teach her every secret of the business. Tell her she won't find her Richard Gere, but she might get a Hugh Grant.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
You are beautiful, sexy and smart, but you have a screw loose. You're either bipolar or mildly schizophrenic, but either way, your alluring qualities only come out in small spurts. Instead of traditional whoring, you can ride the technology wave and make great money with internet porn. You only have to keep yourself in a good mood long enough to successfully film the take, then watch the money come in as videos of you getting friendly with a complete stranger circulate around the web. Good places to begin your job search are www.bangbus.com and www.cdgirls.com.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
Whoring has been knocking on your door. You've been weighing this decision for a while now, and it's finally time to take the plunge. It just makes sense, since you've exhausted all other opportunities to find gainful legitimate employment. All your friends are whores, and it's only a matter of time before they convince you to join up with them. You've always believed you'd live a glamorous lifestyle, but it turns out you're just going to be a whore.

PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
Forget whoring. You need to find another Pisces to settle down with. He should be about 5'6" with dark hair, be a 23 year old electrical engineering student, and live in the Rochester, NY area. And his name should be Kevin Savino-Riker.


  1. Anonymous5:58 AM

    Ha! So glad I'm a pisces :) But hmmm those 800 miles between us might be a problem...
    miss ya & love you tons kevin,
    Emma & Max

  2. Haha, brilliant! I'm a Capricorn, you know.